THE HIGH FIVE MANIFESTO
download the High Five Manifesto Sheet
People hug unnecessarily. They touch far too much.
We are here to bring back the high five and to bring back the high five, hard. We are devoting ourselves to this movement and to crush the abomination that is ‘the hug.’ So much bodily contact. It really skeezes us out. And its confusing. Where are you supposed to position your hips? What if you both accidentally thrust forward at the same time? Do you bend at the waist? One arm or two? There is no confusion with the high five. You need to celebrate, to congratulate, to console? Focus on that other person’s elbow and let the good times roll. We say: less hugging and more high fiving.
We see how much better this world can be with the abolishment of the hug. Don’t worry Grandma, a high five is just as satisfying. We promise. And as this movement takes flight we ask you to join us in aforementioned...flight or something. Make a pact with us, that you too will use the high five for good. Will throw yourself in front of an oncoming hug to save others from the dreaded embrace. Will devote time each day to the maintenance of your high fiving hand. To strengthen your spindly fingers into the strongest Hulk Hogan-est fiving hand around. To change the vernacular. “Two high fives up,” “I high five you,” and “let’s make high five...for about 30 to 52 seconds.” These will become part of the social consciousness. or maybe something a bit more clever. Whoever comes up with that, may we high five you...for 30 to 52 seconds.
So again, we promulgate: Less hugging and more high fiving. Join us in elevating the high five without turning it into a hand holding contest. No, no that is too close to a hug. We pledge to high five your grandma when she makes us eggs in the morning. To high five without sting. To end Tom Brady’s suffering. We pledge to high five ourselves, because we deserve it. oh and we will high five the shit out of you.
In this age of likes, thumbs up, and fistbumps we ask: “how the FUCK is brohugging a thing?” and we pledge to end it now.
Now, go high five yourself, you deserve it.